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contact: robert dot hinkley at btinternet dot com (my PGP key, and you can get PGP from here)
May '03 - Aug '03
31 Aug 2003.
Ow, my legs hurt. I spent yesterday playing paintballesque wargames with people from work, which went roughly like this: Run, crouch, hide, run, kneel down, lie down, stand up and run, shoot, duck, lie down and shoot, crawl, stand up and run, get shot (ouch!), run back to base to ressurect, run, crouch, duck, shoot, sneak, lie down, crawl backwards through nettles, jump up, run, gasp for breath and collapse in a heap. Repeated all day with breaks for tea, biscuits and sausages inna bun. I don't normally take much physical exercise and I'm paying the price today. A good time was had by all and some photographs should be available soon.
28 Aug 2003.
Applet fun: Zombies chase panicking humans, and a veritable cornucopia of tasty java nibbles awaits over at Proce55ing. I started some recreational java coding ages ago but it fell by the wayside. This has inspired me to pick it up again.
28 Aug 2003.
MSNBC's Jennifer Carlile knows something I don't:
"WARGATE," as Britons have nicknamed the [Hutton] inquiry...
Have we? When on Earth did that happen? I've heard it called "the Hutton inquiry", "the Dr Kelly inquiry" and "that judge asking about the war". But not "Wargate". Google can't find any people apart from Jennifer Carlile who are calling it Wargate, either.
28 Aug 2003.
The Great Driverless Car Race is a lot like the Great Egg Race on a grander scale, with just a dash of Wacky Races thrown in for good measure. (via GeekPress)
28 Aug 2003.
ITV are showing repeats of the cheating episode of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and Tecwen "cough ahem" Whittock isn't happy about it. Why, ITV are exploiting his coughing! Erm, Tecwen, you're the one who tried to mug them out of a million pounds. That means that you can't complain about them "exploiting" you.
Everyone loves my coughing so I can clearly understand why ITV want to show it again this weekend.
Oh do shut up, Tecwen.
The autographed DVD auction which raised £35 (yes; thirty five whole pounds!) just oozes oily smugness. That's one valuable authograph: £35 is all of £17 more than the DVD's normal retail price.
27 Aug 2003.
An Iranian nuclear bomb program? Surely not! [clasps hands to face in gesture of pure astonishment]
VIENNA, Austria (AP) - U.N. inspectors have found traces of highly enriched, weapons-grade uranium at an Iranian nuclear facility, a senior diplomat said Tuesday, citing a report by the International Atomic Energy Agency.
The find heightened concerns that Tehran may be running a secret nuclear weapons program.
Right. Tehran may be running a nuclear weapons program in much the same way that the sky may be blue, water may be wet and ice may be cold. It gets better:
Iranian officials did not contest the finding by the IAEA inspectors but said the equipment was already contaminated by traces of enriched uranium when purchased by Tehran.
I now have a mental image of Iranian nuclear officials offering up one of those comically unconvincing explanations usually reserved for burglars who've just been caught red-handed in TV series like When Police Chase People:
"Weapons grade uranium? Nah, that's not weapons grade uranium, mate. Oh right, well maybe it is weapons grade uranium but that's nothing to do with me, mate. Somebody else must have left that weapons grade uranium there. Yeah, that's right. You see the fing is, right, I bought that reactor off this geezer in the market in good faith and he didn't mention noffin' about no weapons grade uranium..."
27 Aug 2003.
Man decapitated in ghastly lift accident.
Incidents with elevators and escalators kill about 30 people and injure about 17,000 each year
Who'd have thought it? I'm taking the stairs from now on.
27 Aug 2003.
When normal electron microscopes just aren't good enough you need a cryo electron microscope.
27 Aug 2003.
Powered robot exoskeletons will be in the shops in time for Christmas (well, sort of).
27 Aug 2003.
Do indigestible fat substitutes really cause, erm, leakage? This ain't pretty, but it is funny in a strange way. And nobody ever said that leading-edge science has to be pretty. Thanks to Dave for the link, who comments "surely leaking-edge science?"
24 Aug 2003.
It isn't only loons on the fringe who have 'astounding theories' about the bombing of the UN building in Baghdad: the Lebanese Foreign Minister says he reckons Israel did it.
24 Aug 2003.
Oh bravo, 'peace activists': defend that pacifist non-violent bomb factory against the evil jackboot of oppression.
22 Aug 2003.
I've long suspected that silly lawsuits arrive via some strange parallel dimension, but this one (if true) comes from the Twilight Zone. A dean of law at an Egyptian university is preparing to sue... (wait for it, this is good)... "all the Jews of the world" to recover damages with interest for "gold, jewelry, cooking utensils, silver ornaments, clothing and more" taken from Egypt by the Jews during the biblical Exodus.
After I picked myself up off the floor and stopped laughing I did some sums. If we say the Exodus happened 6,000 years ago, then at a compound interest rate of 1% per year the world's Jews would now owe 85 million million million times the original value of stolen gold, jewelry, cooking utensils, silver ornaments, clothing (and more!). This means that if Moses pinched a single ingot of gold and one saucepan the debt would now stand at 27 million cubic miles of gold and so many saucepans that, if piled on top of each other, they would bury the whole of Egypt hundreds of miles deep.
21 Aug 2003.
Idiots. And I thought it was bad enough when cretins used to just set off the fire alarms when I was staying in university halls of residence.
21 Aug 2003.
Peter Kennedy makes a point I hadn't considered, in The Australian letters page.
NOW that rebels are bombing the UN, water mains and oilfields belonging to the Iraqi people, where are all the human shields from Western countries who volunteered to sit on these structures to protect them from the evil Americans? It seems shielding the Iraqi people's vital assets is only necessary if it supports a brutal dictator.
I'm sure the human shields are probably just all too busy riding on buses in Jerusalem or protecting cafes in Tel Aviv at the moment.
Was the UN building bombed because the UN is viewed as a stooge of the US and the "crusaders' invasion of the Muslim territory of Iraq etc etc blah blah"? Maybe, maybe not. But we shouldn't overlook possible root causes such as earlier UN operations: there has been long-standing Islamist seething over the "crusaders' invasion of the Muslim territory of East Timor etc etc blah blah" and the most senior UN official killed in the bombing, who may have been personally targeted by parking the bomb right outside his office, used to run the UN mission to East Timor.
19 Aug 2003.
Oh. My. God. Presumably scared to death of being sued under discrimination law, some companies are conducting sexuality audits of their staff. This is just such a silly and empty-headed concept it boggles the mind.
We would like to know your sexuality. This is in order to make sure we are ignoring your sexuality when making decisions affecting your employment. We assure you that there is a parallel universe in which this makes sense.
I hope that most staff receiving one of these questionnaires tick the "None of your business" box.
19 Aug 2003.
Shock! Horror! Teenager paints ethnic motifs.
Some of Australia's best-known Aboriginal artists have recently become aware of the prince's paintings of lizard motifs and claim he has stolen their culture.
It's a good job he didn't take any photographs or else people might start complaining that the camera stole their soul.
19 Aug 2003.
A Moon Colony within 20 years? That's nothing. The Russians have got plans for a Mars Base within 30 years:
The only stumbling block is how to deliver ready-made building blocks to a construction site 300 million kilometres (186.4 million miles) away from Earth.
Yes, that could be a minor snagette.
19 Aug 2003.
Woohoo! Humans could be living in a Moon Colony within 20 years, says a "leading scientist". Yeah right, and we'll all be driving hover-cars, have robot servants, live in mile high glittering skyscrapers and wear sparkly jumpsuits. And the electricity will be too cheap to meter.
18 Aug 2003.
It is proposed that schools ought to be weighing and measuring children. Because parents are far too stupid to notice that their own children are overweight, or something.
15 Aug 2003.
Flash mobs: great or tedious? At least part of me is inclined to agree with Jackie...
Flash mobs seem to me like a semi-cute idea that should never have got past the "Dude, wouldn't it be, like, totally hilarious if..." conversation around the bong
Which isn't to say that the idea doesn't have potential for generating random acts of genuine humour. I suppose the point is completely lost if everyone is alerted in advance and is standing around waiting to see something happen. "There's going to be one of those crazy new spontaneous and unexpected 'flash mob' things here in 5 minutes - they said so on the television". Maybe I'm missing something but isn't the whole point that they appear by surprise, out of nowhere?
15 Aug 2003.
Oh that's okay Mr 4x4 monster truck driver: you just pull out in front of me from that side road. I'll happily stop to let you out seeing as how the alternative is to plough headlong into your armoured behemoth. No, really that's just peachy, I don't mind at all. It is your personal road after all, and the junction-negotiating protocols described in the Highway Code don't apply to you. Oh, and don't forget to wave contemptuously in a gesture of mock thanks.
14 Aug 2003.
Gun to be tested at a firing range, of all places (wherever next?). Publicity-hungry politicians are outraged.
14 Aug 2003.
Congratulations to Matthew, son of my friends Andy and Gill, who Andy e-mails to say has just learned to crawl. He is currently "busy removing all the safety devices from the corners of sharp objects in the lounge". Way to go, Matthew.
14 Aug 2003.
Good news for the balance of trade! The Americans may dominate the software and aerospace markets, but it's the British who are leading the pack in the American worm-farming industry.
12 Aug 2003.
Airport security shock: knives can be smuggled past security guards. Okay, it's so hardly a shock at all really.
We ought to just accept the fact that hijackers will be armed no matter how time consuming and invasive airport security checks are, and regardless of how many penknives and nail clippers are confiscated.
The old rules of hijacking said that the passengers must sit quietly and under no circumstances do anything to antagonise the hijackers, but those rules became forever obselete on September 11th 2001. The new rules are that passengers must fight back, but all we are doing by confiscating nail scissors and knitting needles is disarming the passengers and making their job more difficult. Surely we ought to acknowledge that we now rely on passengers to overpower people who try to hijack the plane and make their job easier by allowing them to carry on board the sort of items which are now being confiscated as dangerous.
So let's perform the same checks for weapons at airports that were carried out before September 11th to try and catch explosives and firearms, but don't even try to stop every small sharp object from getting aboard because that's completely futile and counterproductive. That will save money which can then be used to do something useful, like employing more men with rifles and ill-tempered dogs to guard nuclear power stations.
12 Aug 2003.
"'ello 'ello 'ello. Is that your railway bridge, sir?"
12 Aug 2003.
We just don't know enough about the perils of Extreme Dieting, experts have warned.
10 Aug 2003.
The sun has worked its photosynthetic magic on the marrow plant in my garden's vegetable patch, producing a 5lb fruit harvested this morning.
Now I've got to think of something to do with it. Please send marrow recipes if you have them.
10 Aug 2003.
Oh wow. Just $39.99 buys you your very own limited edition George W Bush action man toy in full naval aviator costume and correctly decked-out with authentic gear (g-pants included!). It's kitsch-tastic, but doesn't say whether he has those uncomfortable moulded-on blue plastic underpants. For the discerning purchaser of plastic tat it's a tough call between that and a $35.95 Mohammed Al-Sahaf talking doll.
As far as I can see nobody's yet bothered making a talking Jacques Chirac action figure, complete with realistic hair and eyes as well as a variety of well-known sayings such as "If they don't agree with me they should shut up", "How dare they express their own opinions?" and "Now go away or I shall taunt you for a second time". G-pants not included.
09 Aug 2003.
Grrrr, spam SMS messages. We hates spammers, hates them we do!
09 Aug 2003.
Steven DenBeste has a good take on John Patterson's strange "Brits always play Hollywood baddies, which reveals hidden truths about Dubya" (or something) diatribe:
"That explains the James Bond films, doesn't it?"
By the far the most entertaining bit in Patterson's screed is where, after describing "the formula" of good Americans and villainous Brits he says:
"Even in Gladiator the formula was intact, despite the presence of an Australian hero and an American villain."
Erm... riiiiight. So the villain was American, the hero Australian, the other hero (Derek Jacobi playing the good senator) was British and the bad gladiator owner who comes good and redeems himself in the end was played by Oliver Reed. But apart from that the formula (the precious formula!) remains intact. Okay, John... whatever.
Today's Guardian letters page takes up where Patterson leaves off, with one writer suggesting that it is time for British actors to take action by (what else?) starting a lawsuit under the Civil Rights Act to stop Hollywood from compounding "a stereotype that has a definite effect on the perception of Britons" (at least I think he's being serious, but it just might be a joke). Now I've got visions of actors taking stern action about this issue which so deeply wounds us all...
"Alan Rickman's been cast as a baddie again."
"Oh, the horror. Will they ever stop oppressing us so?"
"Quick, luvvie, to the barricades!"
The other writer has a slightly less radical suggestion, which mainly involves sitting John Patterson down and explaining some simple realities to him v e r y s l o w l y:
"The largest number of English speaking non-American actors are British. Since the movies are in English, it is important to get actors that speak English. ..."
You have to admit that he's got a point there.
08 Aug 2003.
On a brighter note, I got e-mail from Hannah Bayman, responding to my recent grumbling about material she wrote for the BBC. In the interests of fairness and balance the e-mail and my comments are posted on their own page.
08 Aug 2003.
If you can't have a big party to celebrate a brutal armed robbery then what can you have a party to celebrate? I do not understand why the train robbers have some kind of iconic status in modern British folklore. I probably could if it weren't for the fact they crippled the train driver by smashing his head with an iron bar. Just remember that the next time you hear them talked about as if they're audacious scofflaw pranksters: they smashed the train driver's head with an iron bar. While we're busy idolising the train robbers why not idolise the Brinks Mat robbers? "Oh yes, I know they poured petrol over the guards and threatened to set them on fire, but they were a plucky bunch of loveable rogues really." Sorry to go on about that, but it pisses me off.
07 Aug 2003.
When the Beatles meet Metallica we get... Beatallica. The songs are good, especially "I've got a ticket to ride the lightning".
06 Aug 2003.
There was a major kitten incident at the flat this morning. The ever-so-tiny, timid and oh-so-adorable Pootle, as usual, jumped up onto my bed and demanded to be stroked and played with as soon as my alarm went off (a very fine way to wake up). Then she went missing while I was in the shower. I looked everywhere but couldn't see her. I dragged one of the cats' favourite rattling toys around the flat to coax her out of any secret hiding place, but there was no sign of her. I assumed she must have sneaked into Tom's room to wake him up, so opened the curtains across the front door and there was Pootle, sitting outside waiting patiently to be let back in. She must have fallen or jumped from my bedroom window, and this is a first floor flat ("second floor" for any American readers) and she's only tiny. Fortunately there's a lawn under the window so she had a soft landing and was undamaged. In fact she didn't seem at all bothered. The look on her face was more "Oh, I was wondering when you were going to let me back in, you big oaf" rather than "Ohmygod I nearly died!" and she sauntered in rather than dashing for safety behind the sofa. I can't believe it: mild-mannered Pootle is actually a psycho flying kitten with a death wish.
05 Aug 2003.
Man and rodent in perfect harmony: there are plans afoot to use highly trained sniffer rats to find landmines in exchange for banana prizes. Maybe it'll work, maybe it won't, but it's the sort of thing that might just work and ought to be tried. I wish I'd been at the meeting where someone first came up with that idea:
"I've got it! Squads of elite ninja rodents!"
"Oh for heaven's sake, elite ninja rodents are your answer to everything..."
For some reason the mental image of rats wearing little rat-size helmets and carrying little rat-size minesweepers has lodged itself in my head. Obviously they would be led by the grizzled sergeant rat with a cigar stub permanently lodged in the corner of his mouth.
I imagine it won't take long for an animal rights group to start complaining that feeding rats nutritious food morsels in exchange for stopping people having limbs blown off is a bad thing.
04 Aug 2003.
Oh splendid. Following hot on the heels of David Blunkett now the Tories seem set on introducing an "Entitlement Card" for healthcare (ie: a compulsory Identity Card).
04 Aug 2003.
Great publicity, shame about the show: "It wasn't quite as painful as sticking pins in your eyes, as some have said, but it was close." Ouch.
01 Aug 2003.
The kittens in the flat where I'm living at the moment are growing up fast. More pictures here, here, here and here. Awhhhhhh.
01 Aug 2003.
People who study sciences, engineering and medical subjects supposedly live longer than people who study these funny woolly arty subjects (they've got statistics and everything, so it must be true). There is various speculation about why this may be but the real reason seems obvious: arts students are simply less aware of the hard realities of the world around them. This means they are more likely to electrocute themselves while changing a lightbulb, accidentally mortally wound themselves while chopping vegetables, and walk close to scaffolding on building sites and get hit by falling anvils while the wily engineer thinks "Hmmm... builders... scaffolding... gravity... cross street to avoid the risk of falling anvils".
Save lives: cut funding for arts degree courses!
01 Aug 2003.
I honestly don't mean to keep going on about bad practice at the BBC, but I can't help it: they keep provoking me.
31 July 2003.
Is there anything at all in this story to justify the use of sneer quotes around the word "terrorism" in the front page ticker link? It's not as if the man is talking about some fighting in Afghanistan against some specific local problems which may or may not be terrorism: he's talking about fighting Al-Qaeda. All I can think is that it's the ticker-writer showing what they thought of the US with its "so-called 'war'" against "so-called 'terrorism'".
29 June 2003.
As the hunt for mushrooms and blueberries begins in Sweden, Dr Blix announces that he cannot confirm the existence of either mushrooms or blueberries, but that quantities of wild soft fruit seed do appear to be unaccounted for. "It would be premature to reach any conclusions yet" said Dr Blix at a news conference held as he returned from a month-long expedition in the Swedish countryside, "But it is essential that I be given an unbounded amount of extra time to continue my inspections. Anybody who feels hungry should just wait until I've finished, and must not under any circumstances go fruit-picking on their own." And yes: I just made that up. He never said that.
22 June 2003.
Well well gentle readers, a lot has happened since the last time I posted anything. I quit my old job, found a new one, and went to New York for the weekend to celebrate. I even have a new and shorter haircut. Busy busy busy.
27 May 2003.
The International Olympic Committee wants to exclude less able competitors, all because the boss saw a slow swimmer and "The public loved it, but I did not like it". Oh well that's okay then, Mr Rogge, if you don't like it I suppose there's no need to worry about what the lowly public thinks. I heard Seb Coe on the radio this evening talking about this and he said that the IOC is doing this partly because of the "need to control the brand". The brand... it's the Olympic Games, you idiot, not a soft drink. This is awful. Imagine what this means: no more swimmers who learned to swim a few months before the Games in a crocodile-infested pool in Equatorial Guinea. No more plucky amateur ski-jumpers (who came 55th out of 56, which means he actually beat someone). No more Jamaican bobsleigh team! It's the interesting "no-hopers" who make the Olympics interesting instead of a demonstration of tedious robotic excellence. For shame, IOC. For shame.
12 May 2003.
Long time no post, but look here: I'm famous! I shall do my best to stop my newfound celebrity from going to my head.
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